Three months ago, Newsday became one of the nation’s first daily papers to charge people for online content.  The pricetag for access to the notoriously left-biased daily? $5 a week, or $260 a year.

Last week, publisher Terry Jimenez  revealed that, After 90 days, the publication has amassed a whopping thirty-five subscribers.

Here are some facts to put that in perspective:

• The famous Tsavo Lions ate 35 people in 1898.
• Last June, 40 People (5 more than subscribe to Newsday) were injured on a water ride in Indiana.
• 35 is one third the number of drunken students arrested at a New London, NH House Party Last November.
• Volvo & Mercedes make Party Buses that would seat all 35 subscribers with room for another 5, should anyone ever sign up.
• If you wanted to feed deli sandwiches to each of Newsday’s online subscribers, you’d need approximately five and a half pounds of meat, and three loaves of bread.
• In 2008, 35 students in Malaysia were given the option of changing schools after experiencing hysteria due to their haunted classroom.
• Newsday has one online subscriber for each of the 35 virtues ascribed to the Virgin Mary by Albertus Magnus.
• Newsday’s subscribers would only fill the shoes of half the people involved in this 70-person mass sky diving world record.

I suppose the real story here is not how few people have signed up for Newsday, but the fact that they’ve actually found 35 people willing to pay for their propaganda rag.  We’re sure they’re proud of their numbers, and are thrilled that they’re being so widely reported.

- Robert Laurie

P.S. – The headline?  Well, that’s a joke only a few people will get, but trust me, they’ll think it’s damn funny.