Life got you down? Move to Hawaii!

According to a recent Gallup poll, Hawaii is once again the happiest, healthiest, all around best place to live in America.

The Poll found that Hawaii leads the nation in overall well being and boasts the healthiest, most emotionally stable citizens.  In addition, people living there rate their current life-situations highly, and actually anticipate things being even better five years from now.

None of this comes as any surprise to anyone who’s actually been to Hawaii, only to return home and realize that they’ve been ruined forever by the Aloha spirit.  Be careful, folks.  Only go if you can afford to go back – otherwise, you’ll wake up in Detroit each morning, asking yourself “what the hell am I doing here?”

It’s a lot like Avatar depression, only real.  Beware.

- Robert Laurie

Back in the 70’s, as the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons swept the nation, parents became uneasy.  Rumors about the game’s alleged devil-worship connections began to spread, and soon we were bombarded with urban legends about kids climbing into the sewers to act out their fantasies – never to return again.  It looks like the intrigue never stops, as Wisconsin’s Waupun Correctional Institution has banned the game, angering convicted murderer, Kevin T. Singer.

Now, lest you think the prison is trampling on its inmate’s constitutionally protected right to worship satan, you should be aware that the reason for the ban is somewhat different.  It seems that prisoners have been forming violent gangs based around the game and their fictional alter-egos.  In addition, the prison cited the game’s themes of “competitive hostility, violence, addictive escape behaviors, and possible gambling” as destabilizing forces in an already tense atmosphere.

As a result Kevin T. Singer had his dice, rulebook, monster guide, and even his own personal scenarios, confiscated as contraband.  Faced with a lifetime encarceration that featured neither dungeons nor dragons, he pulled out his +1 law books and headed to court.

Unfortunately, Singer’s hopes were dashed as the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of appeals launched a magic missle of derission at his case.  “Punishment,” they said, “is a fundamental aspect of imprisonment.”

So now, the murderous nerd sits in his own personal dungeon, alone with his thoughts and the knowledge that he lacked the necessary charisma points to spare his favorite game.  The injustice is staggering. 

Someone call the ACLU.

- Robert Laurie

A sad story today from Baltimore…

Every year since 1949, on the anniversary of Edgar Allen Poe’s death, a bottle of cognac and a small bundle of roses have appeared at the writer’s grave.  The tradition has never been interrupted.  Until, that is, last night.

For the last sixty years, between midnight and 5:30 a.m., a mysterious visitor has appeared with the gifts.  No one knows who he is, or why he does what he does.  All we know is that last night was the 201st anniversary of Poe’s burial, and that this morning it was announced that no cognac had arrived.

Speculation is running rampant that the mystery man has passed away, moved on, is in jail, or was simply scared away by the three dozen people who had turned out to keep watch over the graveyard.

Whoever, and wherever, he is; we wish him well.

- Robert Laurie

Whelp, chalk up another win for the “War On Christmas.”

A Detroit area homeowner was forced to take down their Christmas decorations after they were determined to be a public nuissance.

The scene, depicting a man dangling from his gutters after a Christmas light mishap had been receiving high marks in the area.  Unfortunately, a 55 year old woman was driving by and didn’t get the joke.  She stopped her car, replaced the ladder, and climbed two stories to help the stranded man.

Later, to avoid more of the same, the decorations were removed.

Thanks a lot, Scrooges!

- Robert Laurie

SNACK ATTACK!  According to the Times-Gazette of ShelbyvilleTennesee, a couple arrested Sunday evening was charged with assault.  The weapon?  Cheetos.

The police report states that the duo were ”involved in a verbal altercation” until things turned ugly.  “Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault.”

Now, I’m not going to argue the point that Cheetos are NOT potato chips, nor am I going to ask if they were puffy or crunchy.  I’m just relieved that there were “no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined.”

Weird.  If I eat Cheetos, my hands are covered in large, orange, physical marks.  These guys are good. 

No word yet on whether the Dems will use the case to advance their agenda of a 5-Day Cheeto waiting period or similar Cheeto-control legislation.

Both participants posted a whopping $2500.00 bond, and will appear in court July 15th.  Here’s hoping they’ve learned a valuable lesson regarding snack-based violence.

-Robert Laurie